The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.