[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???