“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
my one true gender
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
What the hell is going on?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
our love story in four pictures
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.