When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I want what they have
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house