Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
just gave your address to some spiders
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably