Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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The news is so predictable nowadays
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off