What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
You Might Also Like
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Love this guy
They’re really bad with fonts.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.