I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*