It was worth a shot 😂
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*exercises sarcastically*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.