The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
This one’s “Alex”.
⛄️
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen