He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.