Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
ibopfufen
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please