ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Pretty certain I can more drunk