My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.