“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Hmmmmm
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.