Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You Might Also Like
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.