There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally