Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.