the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining