Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller