The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed