*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You Might Also Like
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.