Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”