As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
B
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.