I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m too immature for adultery.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.