Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes