She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!