[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.