Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Weirdly Wednesday.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Sheep
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.