Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
(Musicians.)
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing