Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.