A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?