Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”