They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3