“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
car not found
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.