me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly