That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.