In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”