Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible