You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S