[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
And that about sums it up.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.