Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.