remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.