When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
just gave your address to some spiders
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.