[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.