[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.