Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
You Might Also Like
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Called it
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.