Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Are we there yet?…
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
#oldknees