I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
inventing words: clothing
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.