My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug